An Afternoon Rambling: A Retrospect of a Failure

a kind of scary photo I took which doesn't relate to the topic in this post

It’s 6 AM in the morning and I’m still in my house. I know I’m going to miss the train and I’m going to be late to work, but I just can’t give much care about it. I don’t want to work today. I had no trouble sleeping last night, but my desire for more sleep is still not satisfied.

February 11th, 2016, my superior asked for me. I was not surprised. I knew the time had come for evaluation. But little did I know that it will ruin my day. He didn’t reprimand me, he simply broke the news; I failed and considered unfit to be in my position. He said that I was deemed unqualified as a Management Trainee; though I delivered well in every presentations, I always took more time than my peers in finishing my projects. I was stunned. I didn’t remember things he said afterwards; probably some kind of mollification. I couldn’t concentrate. I was still struggling to grasp that the situation was a new reality I have to live with.

That news was saddening. Maddening. “It’s unfair!” “How could they support my friends, but not me?” “I don’t deserve this”. I was angry. I blamed the organization. I couldn’t take it well. But those feelings subsided. Worse thoughts were coming, which for me were a lot more painful. When you blame someone else, you direct your negative feelings on them, but when you blame yourself, they are directed at you; in a way, it goes like stabbing yourself. “I am inadequate” “I am a loser” “I am not deserving the job like my peers” “I am inferior; the second class among my friends” “Have they been laughing behind my back all this time?”. I was stricken with shame. In comparison to the risk of being unemployed, it felt a lot more painful to be hit by such self-damaging chagrin; awareness that I have been overestimating myself and found to be wanting.

It was not easy, but gradually I could accept my failure and the reality that followed. As Jonah Malloy said: “That’s that with that”. I tried to imagine what would have happened in case they let me pass; I might not be able to live up to the task and it would turned up to be worse than this. Swift promotion, as MT program promised, might prove to be my doom; larger responsibility, a lot more job pressure, and longer work hour, I might not be able to stand those difficulties at that stage. In fact, it might have been the reason of my failure. I grew comfortable with my working condition and, I must admit, slacked off indecorously, which might bring great ruination to me in case I occupied a higher position. My dismissal from the MT program then, as ignominious as it was, might as well be a deserved denouement, and, in a certain degree, can be reckoned as a thoughtful decision to help. If God works in a mysterious way, then this one might be one of the cases.

I wonder what have made me dragged myself to the station. Sense of responsibility? Routine? In any case, I’m at the station already. I take out my fancied rail card to get to the platform. The cheerful smile of these three girls shown on my card served as an instant amusement whenever I looked at it. And somehow, I remember an event not too distant in the past when a manager thanked me for my project in the past which helped him in getting a better audit score. I give a little smirk as I step into the train.

The other thing that came into my mind was the way I managed to finish my projects so far and delivered good presentations; I received helps. My working pattern was pretty much like this: I learn the basics by asking others, come out with a bad plan or progress update, ask others for advice, take action based on those advice and fix here and there, repeat the process of asking others for advice and fix things until I think it’s good enough, submit latest presentation and product. So, basically, I have always received help from others, and if in any way I was held in high regard, it’s all thanks to these great people who God has gathered around me. That realization comforted me. I’m really grateful for this experience which I have not earned by my own endeavor. And, in some way, a little flattered (self-inflicted flattery though), that I have a quality of a good king, according to Tywin Lannister; I listened and heeded advice.

Alas, even with consolation from such self-contemplation, the day was still seemed bleak. I couldn’t recover quickly from the negative emotions within me. But I knew that I will recover. It will take time, but I’ll pick myself up, dust myself off, and start all over again.

Why is the sky so clear this day? I prefer it pouring. At least it will set an aligned mood. I still can’t forget the day he told me that I failed. I can still feel the hit. But the pain is receding, a little bit, but it is receding. I guess I will write about my experience. It might help.

P.S. please do correct me for grammatical mistakes or other mistakes you spotted.

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